Poem

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself.

By Philip Larkin.

I like it, I hope my 2 aren't too fucked up. I did the best I could, I guess there are things I do would differently for sure. Not just in my life, but in theirs. One thing they should know I have theirs backs 100% no matter what, no matter where xx

Home Alone

His nibs has gone hunting so I'm home alone. Something I used to love but now not so much, probably because even when he is here I pretty much feel home alone also. The last few years I  have come to realise a couple of things, one, J is a good person (well I've always known that). But in some ways he so the most selfish person I know. He thinks of me of course-sometimes when it penetrates whatever mindset he is on at that moment, I know this but his mind is so one track that at times I wonder if he hears what I say at all. I think this is often the problem at work too. In all the years I've known him he has never held down a job for any length of time always some reason behind him leaving - ran out of work, dickheads in charge, (been a few of those the last few years). Anyway the difference has been I've always worked to take up the slack. But this time is different this time I'm not working and he's been given the boot from this last place, the people seemed OK, but the letters they have sent out are personal and ridiculous, he's better off out of there. I must have changed because the stress would have just about sent me spaz a few years ago but I honestly don't care anymore as long as I have enough money to  get a coffee in town I'm not to worried about every thing else (thought a new pair of shoes would be nice)! My course starts soon and I'm devoting myself too it entirely.  He says he's going to go to Christchurch to do this course and work, he's lined up accommodation but I honestly don't see him lasting, but I may be wrong. I have realised at long last in this life you can not change or live another persons life for them, you can give advice if asked, you can help them out in other ways, but you cannot change who they are, and the best thing I've learnt in the last few years is to try and not let it affect me.

Back to blogging!

Hello been another big gap but I'm back on the blog, its going to be a big year for us. I start my Bachelor in just over a month and am really looking forward to it. The end of 2013 and beginning of 2014 has already had its challenges but I'm hoping we can ride them out. My cheekies and daughter are staying here at the moment have been here 2 weeks so great to see them but FULL ON oh my lord they are staying with my other daughter so I wonder how they are coping with each other, ( I hope that they can come to some sort of impasse as sisters and embrace each others differences).
Elliot stayed with us last night, hes still asleep now. The clan came out yesterday for lunch and we ended up going down to the wharf and J and E caught a couple of fish : so much fun! He's hard work that little boy but boy I love him so! Nick went back on Sunday early so he will be having a welcome few days rest and relaxation. Apart from working on the farm of course!
When he was here we did a few things, went to Larnich Castle that was OK the best thing about it was the gardens they where really beautiful!

Cook books and memories

In a break from studying this morning, I suddenly had the urge come over me to create a meal that I had, had often as a child and used to love, but haven't made for literally years. It was one of my mothers, so out came the (few) recipe books I have of hers. And made an attempt to find it, of course in the first one I found, the one and only page I needed had been ripped out but anyway to cut a long story short I did find it. It was written out in a book that I had started myself when I left home of (what I hoped for - helpful recipes) that meant I and everyone that depended on me,  wouldn't starve to death! It wasn't a particularly fabulous collection, most where written post mums stroke so the amounts and even the succession of recipes weren't particularly well set out. When I left home I had absolutely no skills I couldn't cook, I had hardly even made my own bed. So for years I really struggled with the most basic of chores. Anyway I got me thinking about what mothers and sometimes fathers pass on to their children. Mum had her stroke when she was 55. I was 4 months pregnant with L and it was an incredibly stressful time. Overnight I became a parent instead of a daughter and my dad became a caregiver instead of a husband. When I look back on those days and look at the type of person I was I kind of think far out! I didn't think a lot I just reacted to situations around me. I guess you tend to when u are young you think you'll never be a situation that you are just to tired to tired to go on. I still don't analyze or linger on to much..But anyway back to the cooking Mums recipe for super sausages. She was a nice person my mum, had a bit of get up and go I think. I feel sorry I never really got to know her as an adult, her personality really died with her stroke, and I was only 22. She could still walk (just) and talk but that part of her personality (the spark I guess ) that had gone.
Here the recipe anyway,
SUPER SAUSAGES
2 TBSPS flour
1 level TBSP brown sugar
1/2 tsp nutmeg
750 grams sausage meat
1 TSPN worschester sauce
1 TBSP tomato sauce
1 TSPN vinegar
300MLS water
Shape sausage meat into patties and flatten into flour, sugar and nutmeg. Brown in hot oil until brown and sealed on both sides. Place in casserole.
Mix left over flour mix in with wet ingredients and combine pour over sausage patties and cover.
Cook for 3/4 hour at 180 celsius
 Here it is mum you loved your food and know you would have enjoyed this xx

Its one of those days

Yes actually its been one of those days for a few days now due to lack of a decent nights sleep/ dogs irritating me. You know when you get out of bed already pissed off at the world. Finished my last day shift on Tues thank god, too much, too heavy, to early.
Start my course next week have to say I am looking forward to it something different and even if I don't like it I'll have given it a go. Been baking like a mad thing also. Obsessed with it trying to eat healthy meals home made burgers tonight with Italian fries. As you can see life's been busy!John has started his new job seems to be liking it but I never get to excited. Know from experience not too!

We got a small motor for the boat J loves it although has already had a near death experience apparently. I'm just looking forward to dragging in those blue cod by the dozen (Ha ha)
The shots above are of our own paradise when the kids came to stay in Jan the weather wasn't that warm but cheeky braved the waves, just goes to show no matter what; small children still love sun, sand, and a sandcastle!

Christmas 2012

Well happy Christmas and a very happy new year, it was a busy one for us, with a trip up to Westport in the middle of it and all the palaver and expense that Christmas brings. For the first year didn't send out any Xmas cards or even put the Xmas tree up but big plans for next Christmas- hopefully the extension will be there and much more room to scratch around in.
We have been in Dunedin almost a year I start my course next month, I am looking forward to it, life down here is good but I feel that I am still waiting.... for what I don't know. This is what happens I guess when you have lived so much of your life basically at work, all your hobbies and skills have kind of gone west and you are basically left wondering, "Well what now?"

The weather is improving the sun has been warming. When we where in Nelson on Christmas eve I couldn't stand the heat (it was about 34 degrees) too hot for us. Stuck in a car with 3 dogs! Westport was nice still hot but not as suffocating. The cheekies come down this week will be fun but stressful as always can't wait to see them again and I know they are excited to come down, L is looking foreword to the break. And N will just be working on as always. My other daughter and her bf have just bought a house, she would love a commitment from him, he is sweet and good to her but OH MY GOD very high maintenance, then she can be too. I feel she suppresses too much and then it builds up like a volcano but I guess they have there intermittent eruptions!

Letter to Meg

Letter to Meg,

Of course I always called you Margaret, I never liked your name shortened but everyone did it even your mum, so I guess I ended up doing it too.
I never liked you much when I first met you, probably because you encroached on my small click of friends and I saw you as a threat! God knows why- girls are such foolish things....
Anyway we became friends, you lived close by, just around the corner so we would bike / walk together to intermediate and college and back. You loved art and where so terribly terribly bright so much brainer than me. You had a much better study ethic than me sometimes when I turned up (especially at exam time your mum would fix me with a bit of a steely gaze) but she needn't have worried you where to bright to be deterred by me! I remember you had the first Elton John record that I ever heard and James Taylor. Then came the Bay City Rollers we where so mad for them, made up stories about them, drew pictures of them, went to their concert together in Christchurch stood outside their hotel room screaming at every quiver of a curtain. Good times! Then came Rod Stewart -all the go even then. Then you went to Auckland first for school then to live, I went nursing but we still stayed in contact, you had a boyfriend- I didn't. Then I got married you where my bridesmaid - of course you where- you where my oldest friend. I had started a family by this stage and went to Australia to live. But that didn't matter our lives rolled along separate but usually catching up with each other every so often, at some stage you came home to live, determined to give your art a go, then when I came home after mums death I rang your mum and she said you weren't well you had been very depressed suicidal in-fact but was on the way to recovery- finally diagnosed bipolar. I couldn't believe it. I felt everyone I knew was disintegrating around me- selfish of course- but then when we talked you where the same really, you smoked a lot and I could never understand why you seemed so independent so insulated  you never seemed to need a partner, and you loved your cats.
I went to Australia to live again this time for five years and got letters from you, when we moved back I must admit I got caught up with childcare and full time work and we lost touch, then one evening at work I was reading the paper and saw your mums death notice. I didn't think- I rang you straight away, we had known each other such a long time you see of course I did, and then the last time I talked to you, was after you had moved to Westport and you had found out my dad had died. We chatted for a hour, was good to talk just like old times.
Now that was a long time ago, 6 years in fact, 2 years ago my daughter moved to Westport and I drove around your street, knocking on doors even, looking for you (you weren't in the phonebook) but no one had ever heard of you.
I didn't find this that strange really because you had always been a very private person, very independent.
Then on and off I would look for you in the white pages /face book or on the internet, but no luck.
7 months ago I moved to live by the sea in Otago, and yesterday J and I where driving to a friend of his place in halfway bush and to get there we drove past a beautiful old stone fence and on the entranceway I saw a notice Ashburn Hall, now suddenly I thought of you Meg because I knew that when you had been really ill your family had sent you here as a last ditch attempt to get you well and I think they where the ones (I may be wrong here) that came up with the bi polar diagnosis and set you on your long road to recovery.
Anyway you where in my thoughts and when I got home I started trawling the internet yet again, suddenly there in-front of me was your sisters e mail address, she e mailed me back this afternoon.

You died 2 years ago of ovarian cancer,  you where only 49 maybe 50. You had a partner, and lived in the Lyell until your death. I cannot say how this saddened me, of your death, you where too too young but of the fact we had lost touch so long ago and I didn't get to say goodbye... I was pleased you had people that loved you around you at the end. You where a talented, good person, another link of the past thats gone but that is just selfish.. To be a friend you have to put in the hard yards, go that extra mile and I didn't really with you I didn't make that effort when I could of and for that I will always be regretful....
RIP dear Meg, dear old friend.