Letter to Meg

Letter to Meg,

Of course I always called you Margaret, I never liked your name shortened but everyone did it even your mum, so I guess I ended up doing it too.
I never liked you much when I first met you, probably because you encroached on my small click of friends and I saw you as a threat! God knows why- girls are such foolish things....
Anyway we became friends, you lived close by, just around the corner so we would bike / walk together to intermediate and college and back. You loved art and where so terribly terribly bright so much brainer than me. You had a much better study ethic than me sometimes when I turned up (especially at exam time your mum would fix me with a bit of a steely gaze) but she needn't have worried you where to bright to be deterred by me! I remember you had the first Elton John record that I ever heard and James Taylor. Then came the Bay City Rollers we where so mad for them, made up stories about them, drew pictures of them, went to their concert together in Christchurch stood outside their hotel room screaming at every quiver of a curtain. Good times! Then came Rod Stewart -all the go even then. Then you went to Auckland first for school then to live, I went nursing but we still stayed in contact, you had a boyfriend- I didn't. Then I got married you where my bridesmaid - of course you where- you where my oldest friend. I had started a family by this stage and went to Australia to live. But that didn't matter our lives rolled along separate but usually catching up with each other every so often, at some stage you came home to live, determined to give your art a go, then when I came home after mums death I rang your mum and she said you weren't well you had been very depressed suicidal in-fact but was on the way to recovery- finally diagnosed bipolar. I couldn't believe it. I felt everyone I knew was disintegrating around me- selfish of course- but then when we talked you where the same really, you smoked a lot and I could never understand why you seemed so independent so insulated  you never seemed to need a partner, and you loved your cats.
I went to Australia to live again this time for five years and got letters from you, when we moved back I must admit I got caught up with childcare and full time work and we lost touch, then one evening at work I was reading the paper and saw your mums death notice. I didn't think- I rang you straight away, we had known each other such a long time you see of course I did, and then the last time I talked to you, was after you had moved to Westport and you had found out my dad had died. We chatted for a hour, was good to talk just like old times.
Now that was a long time ago, 6 years in fact, 2 years ago my daughter moved to Westport and I drove around your street, knocking on doors even, looking for you (you weren't in the phonebook) but no one had ever heard of you.
I didn't find this that strange really because you had always been a very private person, very independent.
Then on and off I would look for you in the white pages /face book or on the internet, but no luck.
7 months ago I moved to live by the sea in Otago, and yesterday J and I where driving to a friend of his place in halfway bush and to get there we drove past a beautiful old stone fence and on the entranceway I saw a notice Ashburn Hall, now suddenly I thought of you Meg because I knew that when you had been really ill your family had sent you here as a last ditch attempt to get you well and I think they where the ones (I may be wrong here) that came up with the bi polar diagnosis and set you on your long road to recovery.
Anyway you where in my thoughts and when I got home I started trawling the internet yet again, suddenly there in-front of me was your sisters e mail address, she e mailed me back this afternoon.

You died 2 years ago of ovarian cancer,  you where only 49 maybe 50. You had a partner, and lived in the Lyell until your death. I cannot say how this saddened me, of your death, you where too too young but of the fact we had lost touch so long ago and I didn't get to say goodbye... I was pleased you had people that loved you around you at the end. You where a talented, good person, another link of the past thats gone but that is just selfish.. To be a friend you have to put in the hard yards, go that extra mile and I didn't really with you I didn't make that effort when I could of and for that I will always be regretful....
RIP dear Meg, dear old friend.

Sunny day after some dark ones

And I mean the title literally not just a comment on the weather, although that has been pretty shit too...
It all started while I was away- my other half J had a bad experience at work, criticism that wasn't warranted, thoughtless words and his whole world which had been filled with light was plunged into darkness.
Depression will do that to you and he has struggled with it for the last few years, but this was bad- I want to kill myself type bad. I had my little grandson E here with me, bought him back from Westport with me so he had something else to focus on. but its been hard, a stupid nurse that didn't help (made things worse.) Then finally a doctor that understood and upped medication and put him off work for a month. So anyway things are now better I don't know how long for but take each day as it comes.

We went to Alexandra yesterday, then to Clyde (nothing there) then on to Cromwell..

Was a long day. Alex was quite nice but don't know if I would be bothered with the other 2 places again. I think frankly after 2 trips up and down the island in a very short space of time I'm just over travelling for awhile. In saying that I am off to christchurch next week to look after the cheekies while L and Mase have a couple of tests and Doc's appointments.

Any way will finish with a fun day out at the botanics, Cheeky and me we'd been to the museum, taken J along but he was too tired and wanted to go home so we hung around and said goodbye to auntie K and Z as he wanted to see them before he went home.

 I can't describe how much I love this boy, he is funny, spoilt, cheeky, naughty, but so honest and true that I hate the thought that one day he'll grow up and become all adult and flawed. That's why I love these photos of him and Peter Pan- the boy that never grew up! 

Back again after a long absence

Hi there I've been very remiss with this blog-lots going on! Mainly work and have been so exhausted from that, but seem to be coming out the other side now. Believe it or not I actually like 'old people' or should I qualify that by saying I love looking after the elderly. I always have really but I've been reminded what a joy it can be. It can also be extremely hard work but thats more the tight arsed organizations running these shows than the people anyway.  The staff where I work are good on the whole, don't know much about them really, but most are good for a chat and a laugh and thats all I require!
On a personal front I go to Westport on thursday, Masons birthday on saturday then home again on tuesday.  Got them all some cute clothes but will get big boy something extra. Am picking up a coffee table for K and Z in chch also so my little car will be packed to the rafters! Also got L an awesome book for her birthday so am super organized!
Last week we had an architect around to look at the house and to give us some ideas for the extension of course sounds expensive but we will get some plans drawn up and see, as J says we don't have to do it all at once!I'll finish this post with the view from our (exsisting) back door.

Still alive- just!

Yes reason for my absence is I have a job, oh joy, oh glad tidings- NOT! Its vertical slave labour I think I sweated off 5 kg in the first week, will keep at it till Xmas cos I badly want the money but then its farewell. Otherwise life has been quiet, to excausted to do much. Started reading 50 shades, so far impressions.... Not that well written, porn version of Twilight even some of the scenes are the same. But anyway paid 15 bucks for it so I'll plow on till the end.

Raining....No its pouring...

Well, can't really complain nothing I like better than sitting in front of the fire with the rain pounding down on the (tin) roof . Only trouble is when you have 3 dogs they are just like children cooped up (well no not THAT bad)! But they are always barking at something (usually non existent)! Or wanting to go out (unnecessary).
They are all unaware they are going to the vet today for an outing anyway, inoculations due,  plus poor  old Lily whom has had the most rotten breath for months now is going to get her teeth looked at I'm already feeling the pain (of the bill) but also feel terrible for letting it go so long.
We had quite a good weekend-Saturday night went out to K's boyfriends restaurant for a meal was lovely and 2 margaritas later I was feeling quite cheery. All this was to celebrate me getting my job that I had applied for last week they actually rang and offered it to me the same night of the interview so was pleased about that! Will see how it goes doing nothing is an occupation I fall very easily into but its nice to know that financially I can just give it the flick if I want to!
Then on Sunday we met K and Z at a cafe at St. Claire and had a lovely lunch. We had some stuff to do later (trying to find the right vacuum cleaner bags ) who would have thought this would turn out to be such a mission in the end I went to 4 stores. Tempers where frayed by the end mainly because I was extremely tired and as we had left it to the very last bag (which was full)! Things where desperate indeed! Thank god for good ol' noel leeming they had heaps, (so I bought 3 boxes.)
My bad mood survived the drive home so spent the rest of the afternoon giving J the silent treatment (very satisfying) and staring at the TV.

Jobs !

First Job interview in 19 years..... Fark !!!!!
I'm actually not really nervous, this kind of work I can do with my eyes shut but do I really want to go back to work?  Not really, but its the money ofcourse; always is...
This time (if I get it ) I'm going to spend it on myself that is one promise I'm making to myself,  anyway better go get ready!

To Lumsden and back

We have been to Lumsden and back, why you may ask? Well the simple answer is to pick up a puppy, a little girl that we have named Gem. Not my choice - I didn't want another dog until Lily pegged it, but J being as obsessive as he is, finally wore me down. I may add we used the last of our very (now non existent) savings to get to and from and also to purchase said dog. Anyway she is here, very sweet but as usual the work is falling on me cos someone else is at work all day. Enough of a moan she doesn't seem to mind the kennels which is one good thing and J just loves her so another good thing, he missed Jess so much this is a void he obviously felt he needed to fill.

Out for a meal

I went out for a meal last night, left J at home with a casserole I'd made the night before (was yuck) but he liked it, and headed into the city. Was planning to meet my niece for dinner but in the end she couldn't go so was just me and my daughter K. We chose Korean which apart being very cheap also was yum. Although last night I wasn't as pleased as I have been in the past (with the meal).
 K was good, although had been in an argument with her boy friend, whom had some objection over a book she was reading(?) Anyway not for me to comment but of course after a few wines I could help myself. It turned out the book was border line porn and he in is fairly black and white way of looking at things didn't like it at all. Fair enough I suppose she wouldn't like it if he sat reading playboys and penthouses in front of her. But it was A BOOK after all, even if raunchy and unsuitable she wasn't forcing him to read it.
What I didn't like about the whole situation wasn't that he objected to her reading it. He has a right to voice his opinion but that now she said to me she would have to hide reading it from him. Well, I'm sorry but I don't like it. If she had said to him well I am going to continue reading it but I just won't when you are around if it upsets you, now that would have been ok, but like this no I don't think so. Would love some feedback on this but as no one reads this blog so it will be a long time coming!

Coffee cake.

I love a good cake. But often the idea is good, but a bit disappointing in the execution. I am currently reasonably obsessed with river cottage, not only do I love the ethos behind the 'getting back to basic's' that started Hugh Fearnly Whittingstall on his journey, but I also love the fact you can feed yourself from a fairly small home plot, this J and I proved last summer in our old place where we had the most magnificent veggie garden.

We have always had a veggie garden no matter where we have lived, only place that we've probably not really had a garden was when we lived in Perth, the heat and also sand like soil proved to much for even us. Of course now we have moved to a much colder climate than what we are used too plus its right on the coast so a double whammy in the unknown!
Anyway that has nothing to do with cakes other than it is off the river cottage web site.

Coffee Walnut Cake

Prep time

• 20 minutes

Cook Time

• 25 - 30 minutes

Servings

• 10

Ingredients

• For the cake
• 200g plain flour
• 1½ tsp baking powder
• 200g unsalted butter, cut into small
• pieces and softened
• 100g light soft brown sugar
• 100g caster sugar
• 3 eggs
• 50ml coffee essence (or 1 tbsp instant
• coffee dissolved in 1 tbsp boiling
• water, or 3 tbsp very strong
• fresh coffee)
• 100g chopped walnuts
• 25–50ml milk
•  
• For the buttercream:
• 60g unsalted butter, cut into small
• pieces and softened
• 125g icing sugar, sifted
• 10ml coffee essence (or 2 tsp instant
• coffee dissolved in 2 tsp boiling
• water or 1 tbsp strong fresh coffee)
•  
• For the topping
• 200g icing sugar
• 2 tsp coffee essence (or 2 tsp instant
• coffee dissolved in 2 tbsp boiling
• water, or 1 tbsp strong fresh coffee)
• 50g chopped walnuts

coffee essence, glace, Buttercream, coffee,Walnuts, icing, Cake

Directions

Preheat the oven to 180C/Gas mark 4.

Sift the flour and baking powder together and set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, using either a wooden spoon or a hand-held electric whisk, beat the butter to a cream. Add the brown and caster sugars and beat until light and creamy. Add the eggs, one at a time, adding 1 tbsp flour with each and beating thoroughly before adding the next. Stir in the coffee essence. Now carefully fold in the remaining flour, half at a time, with a large metal spoon. Fold in the chopped walnuts, and sufficient milk to give a soft dropping consistency.

Spoon the mixture into the prepared tins, spreading it out evenly with the back of the spoon. Bake in the oven for 25-30 minutes until the tops are a light golden brown and the cakes spring back into shape when gently pressed. Leave in the tins for 10 minutes before turning out to cool on a wire rack.

Meanwhile, prepare the buttercream. Beat the butter to a cream, add the icing sugar and the coffee essence and beat until light and creamy.

To make glacé icing for the topping, sift the icing sugar into the bowl, add the coffee essence and 1-2 tbsp boiling water, and mix until thick.

Spread one of the cooled cakes with the buttercream. Sandwich together with the second cake and cover the top with the glacé icing. Finish with the chopped walnuts. 

This cake will keep for a week in an airtight tin.

Time to breathe...

Well apart from having my grand children here for 10 days, I have been furiously appling for jobs all over the show no bites as yet but I'm remaining hopeful. Must say I don't really miss my other job but I do miss the money and ofcourse if we are honest that is what drives most of us to work if nothing else. Also would be good to get out there and meet some new people.

Had a fabulous time with my cheekies here, did heaps, took them to the pool, saw lots of K went to St Clair beach had coffee and fluffys (ofcourse they wouldn't drink those) and played in a nice playground they have there. I love watching the interaction between children how they sort out their place in the world, and even in a ordinary play situation how my big boy could hold his own, not in a intrusive way but he can fit in amongst children he didn't know- a handy attrubite to have in todays world. Mind you he can also stand his ground when he wants to. Love them with every breath...

Lost blog

All the posts I've made in the last few weeks where lost cos I stupidly signed out of my blog and then forgot my e mail address that i had created to start it oh well got it back or most of it I hope..

TUESDAY, 26 JUNE 2012

Pairings

I read this today and loved it so much not only for the beauty of the words but also for its truthfulness....

Often, during my (many) moments of people watching, I pay particular attention to couples. What was it that drew them to each other; what keeps them together? Over the years I've seen friends and family un-couple and re-couple. I've done the same myself. Sometimes it's a mystery why one individual is chosen over another. But a greater mystery to me is this deep need to move through life with another person. At times it seems that being in a pair demands more than it gives; times when love can be hard to summon. Times, to be honest, especially with the conflicting needs of family life, when a relationship seems less a matter of love than a practical arrangement. There is no hiding in a long relationship; all one's flaws are exposed and tested, over and again. To know someone utterly is to be known, and the vulnerability that comes with that sometimes overwhelms me.  

But to be willing to endure this exposure, endure all the compromise and contingencies and uncertainties that moving through life with another person involves, is to me what love is. To love someone despite, as well as because. To ask 'would I do it again?' and be able to answer yes. Yes. What more?

SUNDAY, 24 JUNE 2012

Midwinter festival

Last night we took ourselves into Dunedin for the 2nd time to watch the parade of the lanterns in the octagon for the annual mid winter festival (it had been rained out on the previous night). But it was well worth the return trip, so magical, all those little kids with their lanterns pleased as punch with themselves, but most of all so nice to do things together. Things like that would have always been shelved before because of always working or always been too tired from working to do anything motivated outside the house. Anyway basically nice to have a life again. Afterwards we went to my daughters and I cooked up my famous chicken curry that was so yum and warming and we sat and watched Friends re runs on a dvd sets she'd just bought back from Asia.

All in all was a lovely night. We headed off home and gave the fire a hurry up and sat and watched midsommer murders- bliss for a cosy end to a mid winters evening.

MONDAY, 18 JUNE 2012

Daughters

I have two daughters.
My oldest L is 28 and the mother to 4 littlies. She (and always has been) a passionate individual, highly strung and wears her heart on her sleeve. Sometimes her mouth doesn't quite have a filter when it should, although she has learnt as she got older, and she has developed more tack. Her most unfortunate habit is she is a terrible worrier and she uses who is closest to her as her sounding board so she often is guilty of sharing whatever has been she's her then sailing off feeling, 'Oh so much better' but leaving the recipient i.e: me or her husband N, a blithering mess. Anyway you always know where you stand with her and we share a love of cooking and she is generous to a fault and also intrinsically honest. Even though sometimes she frustrates the hell out of me, I also love her to bits.
K is my baby although she is 24 now, she has always seemed older and calmer and more mature somehow. She has been much more independent of home from an earlier age. She isn't a great finisher but has a great work ethic and loves loves fashion. She is very involved with her boyfriend to the point of not really having many interests of her own, which I must admit worries me at times. She also holds her cards very close to her chest or thinks she does, but actually I find her very easy to read. She is funny, kind and sweet. And I love her to bits too.
As you can read two very different individuals my daughters, but oh how I love them and am so proud of them in their different ways.

SUNDAY, 17 JUNE 2012

Weekend slow down

Just had some builders here doing a job that we ear marked 3 months ago, anyway good to have it finally done. I find I really have to force myself to be sociable these days especially on my own turf (so to speak) I love having the house to myself and see any intrusion as just that-a intrusion. But no man is an island and I actually enjoy the company when it arrives, I just wouldn't actively seek it out. To much like my good old da for my own good..
We had a really lovely weekend so nice just to muck around and spend time doing stuff, my back is a lot better (thank god).

So on sat morning we went into the markets- very briefly and then on the way home decided to head up signal hill road (J had been working on a house about half way up earlier in the week) And was impressed how nice it was- but when we got to the top woah...we where just blown away! The view was awe inspiring and on that clear, crisp, windless morning you could see every corner of that city we have moved to and now love... And understand why.

TUESDAY, 12 JUNE 2012

Blackwater woods

My own blackwater woods no longer accessable because the track was washed away in the floods. But still so so beautiful..

In Blackwater Woods

Look, the trees

are turning

their own bodies

into pillars

of light,

are giving off the rich

fragrance of cinnamon

and fulfillment,

the long tapers

of cattails

are bursting and floating away over

the blue shoulders

of the ponds,

and every pond,

no matter what its

name is, is

nameless now.

Every year

everything

I have ever learned

in my lifetime

leads back to this: the fires

and the black river of loss

whose other side

is salvation,

whose meaning

none of us will ever know.

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(American Primative)

 

Web archive of Panhala post

Fridge

Used to have this on my fridge, was true then and is still true now

Sore Back

Its been bitterly cold the last few days. But despite that late yesterday, I decided in a fit of energy (had been hugging the fire all day.) That I would go out and plant the garlic and plants I had got in town the day before. All started off OK but a few minutes after starting on the garlic realised that my back was not feeling that great, anyway struggled on and planted out broccoli and then in the small garden by the house planted some primroses and a Christmas lily or two. Very pleased with myself but oh my lord my back, we are talking can't roll over in bed type paralysis. Anyway new morning new day slightly better this am but will take some anti inflammatory I think. J wasn't that well in the night either but has scurried off too work this morning so hope he's OK.

SATURDAY, 9 JUNE 2012

Vege garden

Vege garden part one up and running we nailed together 4 macarapa sleepers and filled them with compost mix and pea straw and planted our first seedlings, of course we need so much more but good to get started. Will post a photo when I get around to down loading one. Then we cleaned out the garage and finally (Yay!) emptied out the spare room of the remaining boxes and put them in the shed also. So good to have the extra space. In this tiny house every spare inch extra is a bonus!

FRIDAY, 8 JUNE 2012

Plans for the day

Now I'm unemployed, there is a certain amount of thumb twiddling that seems to come into its own during the day. Not that I mind but I just don't want to fritter the hours (days) away, as I feel as if I have done enough of that in my life already. Nor do I want to spend my days cooking or eating the proceeds of that cooking, two activities I love, but never know when to stop. Talking of which  I ordered the vegetarian cookbook 'Plenty' last night off fishpond so much cheaper than the shops and no freight charge. Anyway back to the plans, walk the dogs, that's a given can't get away with out that one, maybe some gardening (day shaping up to be not so mind numbingly cold.) Definitely some reading and maybe a visit to blueskin nursery to get some plants! Our garden is a complete blank canvas so will be great to create and nurture it into a productive beautiful place

Cold day at home

Been a really cold blast hit the country over night, the weather has mainly hit Christchurch and the mid south island. I took the dogs for a walk on the beach and could see the snow on the far off hills. Snug inside later on with the fire blazing, makes me love the fact I no longer work.
Mind you in say that the woman at the shop 'kind of' offered me a job, funny eh? People seem so friendly here or maybe I'm just more open to there friendliness

Holidays and a death in the family

Back from Westport and of course caught the obligatory cold/ flu from the cheekies. Had a good weekend J drove up on Friday and I drove back with him yesterday, horrible to leave those sad little faces behind.

A terrible thing happened a couple of nights before I left for the coast, our beloved black Lab Jess died suddenly. My husband was inconsolable he loved that dog so much, and even though we have 2 other dogs her loss has left a huge hole.

This photo is of her trying to fit into a very small dog basket belonging to one of the other dogs, typical big softie behaviour and she was a big softie our Jessie girl. We buried her out on the reserve looking out to the ducks and the sea she loved so much, 

RIP Jess.

Just a quick word because I'm going away for a week, many things I want to write about and say but have neither the time or energy right now, sorry if I say dismissive and you might ask why bother to even start a blog when you are going away, but that's me I like to make things complicated. I am going to see my cheekies , my babies, my beloved grandchildren and my daughter